theory of relationship

         what should i called the distance between you and me, how could i measure it. at least not from any means of matriculation system, can it be measure in meter's, .
         can theory of relativity tells me relative distance between you and us, when i am approaching towards you but you moving backwards. when i was statically waiting for you but moving ahead, leaving  me.  light's speed can be beat up by yours. Are you  traveling with speed of light, then why you  seems invisible.        while watching a short movie one of the character said," it takes time to forget someone, but also takes same amount of time to generate that for some one else.
   can time just be measure in hours, minutes or days or years. Is there is a different time when someone wait , take more time when we are gloomy. if it is not then why it seems time endless when we wait. Then for how long years i have to wait.
    Don;t know but today feeling like to ask Einstein about his theory  of relativity regarding relationship  to ask Newton for his action reaction equation, why there not always equal and opposite reaction , why some people remain silent , despite collision of thoughts, dear science you are still need to learn a lot from human heart, there wishes.
       "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but in over selves that we are underlings"
[Shakespeare, in Julius Ceaser]

a page from my diary

     27, jan. morning 6:39 am

  Happiness haven't any specific form, sometimes it comes in such a manner , moment that we don't realize it. even a smile on our face due to any reason is also a measure of it. so life is not that bad as i usually think , it gives when we stop desiring.  Greed can be of any type not just of materialistic things but can also be of happiness, desire to love, to be loved. 
"life hai chalta hai, sab kuch to nhi milta na "
             okey, the way , in the manner i expect i didn't get, but in those unsuccessful  things there lies  little happiness, just i didn't understand . the dream i wave about life , life is not like that. it is complicated when i think it is simple and when i take it as simple it turns complicated. 
There is a thing called hope, but expectation is quite different thing, it hurts because usually not happen what we expect for. only expectation is ruining.
so if we leave things to expect ,. means to do only work without expectation , then result might be get better,.
as from Bhagavad Gita
            " karmanye aadhikarste maa phaleshu kadaachana"

need to read geeta also, as well as "autobiography of a yogi".
there are a lot of thing in our life , that we want to do, but-even we also know this we don't do that, we will not. may be just because we accustomed in our usual routine or procrastination nature or may be we can't see over self to get do all thing which we desire for,  someday suddenly that desire comes in such  intensity that we do without thinking.
        as someday, suddenly i text them and tell her what i had been feel for them. but what of it now, something will be like dream only.

 When we change our point of reference we find things easier and attractive, that is why we like other's life, may be i am wrong. i like myself when i write because I am different when i write, i turn completely isolate, this is exactly the way what i likes in reality, i felt  myself like an incomplete average boy who have his small problems of life to be worried about, who have little dreams,who have crush upon on someone but didn't tell them, just tell them when they left, an a average boy, who have all the weakness , but still we can have sympathy with him, because in his pain pain , haplessness we reflect our-self also. in a way we all have  such an average, simple person , who have small problems, small hopes and  may be special one to crush upon and the same thing nobody to say all these, so taking  help of writing. .now tell me who is writing this, seems a part of ourself only.
incomplete i am ,. little little i am, but not copmlete, 
as a song "thoda hai , thode ki jarurat hai"

       this is a page from my diary, no any editing just some sentences have cut as it may bore readers a lot. this is what exactly i write just to heal myself, console myself.

PROMISE and WAIT

            Some people come in life , make us to promise , then they suddenly went away...disappear. I wait, wait again and then that wait turn endless, but not the mean less. because there lies a hope, also a question, why suddenly they went away living besides a promise which is to be fulfil for them only.

       old memories, new grief, this winter's morning and cloudy day, "gulzar" lyriced song, dilemma , some  regret. and prepraining mind for copmliting old promise, but suddenly found that for the person whom i am is no more here now. then for whom all these- now for own happiness, to get feeling of content.

     still lies a hope, they will come . there is a place which is far away , beyond distance. May be  from there one day wind will blow and touch me so swiftly that it will give me the feel of there presence, they are reading me, looking me.
     ohh wind..! i am waiting, i will till a long  time. what else i can do, i have learned  only a few things, one of them is wait, the other one is to breath and tolerate. rest torments, memory , nostalgia. & remember if you come , i will be there, but don't come too late, possibly my waiting eyes get tired & it cause blurry in my eyes or when it came to end you came.
the last moment is the best , rejoice.
     "True paradise are the paradise which we lost"
while writing , if i use my brain i am nothing, i have nothing to write, it should be just from the heart. for me writing is truly when i write without thinking, like free style dancing. without any boundation, any rule, limits. only occurring naturally , in its own rhythm. like poetry, sketching, reading and nature, like the one which i never...people should know that this 300grams muscle called heart, have entire world in itself.
i did what i say, now you have to come to find it, wherever you are, you have to come  because you also promise me  something. and the promise i have given is to you not for the people. so wind you blow fast, eyes you wait for some,  almighty make me to breath some more time..& you dear fate now please don't ruin my life. stop ruining...

     

i need to hate you

     Now i have to HATE you, not because i want this by myself or i will be happy by this, but because of  your addiction.. your memories are making me sick , it makes me to suffer a lot.
    Every time when it happens that something belong to you come into my mind ,then every memory belongs to you appear as a snapshot.. very soon it became a struggle for me to control my beats and  my  thoughts. To get rid from these suffering i need to forget you, though i cant , but i need to hate you, so that the memories of you dont make me to suffer..I know i am wrong, i should not think like this, i should enjoy this pain of nostalgia, should not turn as an escapist but dont have any other option  because i am weak in this game.
    You and I cannot live together. not because of you and not because of me, but because both you and I are beyond  life, we have grown out of it, we can only meet.  I know one day i have to leave you. But the memories of you will always bring a smile on my face & that memories is bonding me to you. I will never get free from you in this way. but i even know that day is coming very soon i have to leave you. if i start hating you then it became quit easy for  me to get  revealed, but the emptiness so left will be also kill me. a solitude will remain that again makes me restless. i have nothing to win, i am playing a game where on both side only i have to  lose , suffer. all i can have is to get defeat from you & also from your memories. perhaps this is my destiny. burning in memories of someone  both painful as well as pleasureful.

P.S. Here "you" could be anybody whom i love ,like, miss but also to leave. it could be this city also.

thr day he hate love

The day he said i hate LOVE , he leave HER.
 He got relief from pain of years, from tons of weight .. but then he found another restlessness, in one corner of heart he was burning..
   he was tired of thinking whether he love her or just like . he was confused, he was in dilemma . he try to not to think about her, he was convincing himself that he just like her, he was telling lie to himself..and he also know this it is not true.  spent night sleeplessly, and while half asleep he compose all these. when he felt he wont get her love , he was refusing to admit that he love her. "Escaipsm"
he was loosing hope thus , although he couldn't accept this. he found yet he love her, but just avoiding to think this.  Then a few days later she found her in his dream. she appeared in her dream , again restlessness again dreaming for her. For him dreaming about her, to think about her is like an addiction, he can spent hole day to think her.
and he found that he is revolving around a circle , the circle of thoughts about her..he was content to know this that he love her, for him it was became very necessary to know if he rally love her or not. he got his answer. and he know he wont got more then this (love). he know he wont have her, because he was afraid of of his dreams. he was dyeing in his thoughts, he was playing a game where  both side only he have to defeat. and he was happy in this because he was habitual to deny happiness. he was habitual to live like this.

he was none other then ME...

each sem wound, the last sem kills..

Persuing engg. is not less then like drinking a poison for me and to compeleting it will like overcoming death. Although it seems quite extra, but so far  it is reality.. 

                     once camella rose in his leacture " each hour wound the last hour kills"..but here i can say "each semester  wound, the last sem kills".
                    How long can we survive where our heart refuse to work, ok we can compromise but a kind of restlessness remain .
here i am not frustrated and  writng,..though a few days i was , but not now.. time heals. ohk leave this , so the point is not just about engg. it is about to work when you dont  like ,to forget our dreams..life teaches a lot, one of them is compromising, to forget our dreams.. why it is that people like or dislike any field, subject..
                    media mass communication journalism these are the things, whose even neme fesinate me. hamesha hi se is nam ne lubhaya h mujhe..but as ausual i afraid of my dream.. dream found fascinating only till when you are not force to act upon then. thus i like that filed, and when seriously think to work  i afraid.. procrastainc nature ruining me. you know what, there is nothing in this world for person like me, confused..even dont know what to do what not do. just like , dont know whether love.. same case with her, when i found i wont get her, i convene myself by saying that i just like her not love her.. but if even a single word she utter,or even a little memory of her came across my mind i again start dreaming for her. dont know what will happen. person should love without fear, should love without third thought, without dillema. let it be for someone without reason else nothing remain. i should realize this. life is not always easy, sometimes harsh, critical..

a magic of movie

              Ab filmo ya fiction novels ki fantasy dekh kr pya ho jata h , unke character se bhi..Film me jab payr hota h hero ko, ussi wakt  , usse k sath-sath mujhe bhi hone lagta h..And since then i starts a spcial kind of attachment with him, his struggle became mine. what he thinks, i too start thinking that only...
               Here i am not writing any review about  movie ''ek tha deewana" but still something about movie- jannie's father was looking like al pachino 6.3 ft tall, and amy jackson once look like nargis fakhri.. and in the shyness of prateik i can feel myself, he is not very handsome or having body like john abrahim, just simple guy or ye simplicity hi bha gaye ..n the musc of rehman sir with lyrics of javed akhter, what could more better than that..   is movie me sachin (prateik babbar ) k saath mujhe bhi jenni (ammy jackson) se pyar hua. sachin was also jobless engineer..like me, well i am not now , but may be very soon.. or uske emotions aise ki jb wo roya tb shyd me bhi roya tha or hansa tha , dono hi..uske kiss ko to maine bhi feel kiya tha , i too had felt my heart beat..
              Movies is some what  like a magic, but it works only when you concentration there only.usme dubna padta h, khona padta h...jb bk concentration h tb tk ap hi film k hero , ap hi lad rahe ho, apne pyar k liye sb se..
Pyar tb hota h jb dusra bhi wahi bat khne lag jaye jo phla kahta h, .pyar sikhna padta h ek dusre se.. aise hi h pyar ki paathshaala. Me ye sab movie dekhne k sath- sath ek copy me likha rha tha, aisa nhi h k me meri yaddasht itni kahrab h k me bad me likh n apta.. bt jo jadu movie k sath sath chl rha tha , wo dubara feel hona mushkil hi tha.
       "sitaaron se aage jahan aur bhi hai
        abhi ishq k imtahaan aur bhi hai"
movie ki love story dekh , khud ko bhi relate karne lga...kch chije aise h jo k mehsoos karne k liye nujhe ek ladki ban na padta , shyd nxt janam me ye bhi possible ho..
Pahle pyar ko koi bhulta h kya , aisa to nhi k movies k tarah almost hmesha hi mil jaye, jeeni ki adat dalni padti h, or ho bhi jati h aadat..
puri movie me hero k sath sath me bhi roya tha , acha hi lga ye sb..wese acha lagta agar unki love cum arrange marriage hoti..
     "having a lil teras n m smilimg also, film is over but yet its magic  is still in me"
yeah this was at the end of movie the last line i wrote..
-thanks readers..
with regards..
pradhyuman.