PROMISE and WAIT

            Some people come in life , make us to promise , then they suddenly went away...disappear. I wait, wait again and then that wait turn endless, but not the mean less. because there lies a hope, also a question, why suddenly they went away living besides a promise which is to be fulfil for them only.

       old memories, new grief, this winter's morning and cloudy day, "gulzar" lyriced song, dilemma , some  regret. and prepraining mind for copmliting old promise, but suddenly found that for the person whom i am is no more here now. then for whom all these- now for own happiness, to get feeling of content.

     still lies a hope, they will come . there is a place which is far away , beyond distance. May be  from there one day wind will blow and touch me so swiftly that it will give me the feel of there presence, they are reading me, looking me.
     ohh wind..! i am waiting, i will till a long  time. what else i can do, i have learned  only a few things, one of them is wait, the other one is to breath and tolerate. rest torments, memory , nostalgia. & remember if you come , i will be there, but don't come too late, possibly my waiting eyes get tired & it cause blurry in my eyes or when it came to end you came.
the last moment is the best , rejoice.
     "True paradise are the paradise which we lost"
while writing , if i use my brain i am nothing, i have nothing to write, it should be just from the heart. for me writing is truly when i write without thinking, like free style dancing. without any boundation, any rule, limits. only occurring naturally , in its own rhythm. like poetry, sketching, reading and nature, like the one which i never...people should know that this 300grams muscle called heart, have entire world in itself.
i did what i say, now you have to come to find it, wherever you are, you have to come  because you also promise me  something. and the promise i have given is to you not for the people. so wind you blow fast, eyes you wait for some,  almighty make me to breath some more time..& you dear fate now please don't ruin my life. stop ruining...

     

i need to hate you

     Now i have to HATE you, not because i want this by myself or i will be happy by this, but because of  your addiction.. your memories are making me sick , it makes me to suffer a lot.
    Every time when it happens that something belong to you come into my mind ,then every memory belongs to you appear as a snapshot.. very soon it became a struggle for me to control my beats and  my  thoughts. To get rid from these suffering i need to forget you, though i cant , but i need to hate you, so that the memories of you dont make me to suffer..I know i am wrong, i should not think like this, i should enjoy this pain of nostalgia, should not turn as an escapist but dont have any other option  because i am weak in this game.
    You and I cannot live together. not because of you and not because of me, but because both you and I are beyond  life, we have grown out of it, we can only meet.  I know one day i have to leave you. But the memories of you will always bring a smile on my face & that memories is bonding me to you. I will never get free from you in this way. but i even know that day is coming very soon i have to leave you. if i start hating you then it became quit easy for  me to get  revealed, but the emptiness so left will be also kill me. a solitude will remain that again makes me restless. i have nothing to win, i am playing a game where on both side only i have to  lose , suffer. all i can have is to get defeat from you & also from your memories. perhaps this is my destiny. burning in memories of someone  both painful as well as pleasureful.

P.S. Here "you" could be anybody whom i love ,like, miss but also to leave. it could be this city also.

thr day he hate love

The day he said i hate LOVE , he leave HER.
 He got relief from pain of years, from tons of weight .. but then he found another restlessness, in one corner of heart he was burning..
   he was tired of thinking whether he love her or just like . he was confused, he was in dilemma . he try to not to think about her, he was convincing himself that he just like her, he was telling lie to himself..and he also know this it is not true.  spent night sleeplessly, and while half asleep he compose all these. when he felt he wont get her love , he was refusing to admit that he love her. "Escaipsm"
he was loosing hope thus , although he couldn't accept this. he found yet he love her, but just avoiding to think this.  Then a few days later she found her in his dream. she appeared in her dream , again restlessness again dreaming for her. For him dreaming about her, to think about her is like an addiction, he can spent hole day to think her.
and he found that he is revolving around a circle , the circle of thoughts about her..he was content to know this that he love her, for him it was became very necessary to know if he rally love her or not. he got his answer. and he know he wont got more then this (love). he know he wont have her, because he was afraid of of his dreams. he was dyeing in his thoughts, he was playing a game where  both side only he have to defeat. and he was happy in this because he was habitual to deny happiness. he was habitual to live like this.

he was none other then ME...

each sem wound, the last sem kills..

Persuing engg. is not less then like drinking a poison for me and to compeleting it will like overcoming death. Although it seems quite extra, but so far  it is reality.. 

                     once camella rose in his leacture " each hour wound the last hour kills"..but here i can say "each semester  wound, the last sem kills".
                    How long can we survive where our heart refuse to work, ok we can compromise but a kind of restlessness remain .
here i am not frustrated and  writng,..though a few days i was , but not now.. time heals. ohk leave this , so the point is not just about engg. it is about to work when you dont  like ,to forget our dreams..life teaches a lot, one of them is compromising, to forget our dreams.. why it is that people like or dislike any field, subject..
                    media mass communication journalism these are the things, whose even neme fesinate me. hamesha hi se is nam ne lubhaya h mujhe..but as ausual i afraid of my dream.. dream found fascinating only till when you are not force to act upon then. thus i like that filed, and when seriously think to work  i afraid.. procrastainc nature ruining me. you know what, there is nothing in this world for person like me, confused..even dont know what to do what not do. just like , dont know whether love.. same case with her, when i found i wont get her, i convene myself by saying that i just like her not love her.. but if even a single word she utter,or even a little memory of her came across my mind i again start dreaming for her. dont know what will happen. person should love without fear, should love without third thought, without dillema. let it be for someone without reason else nothing remain. i should realize this. life is not always easy, sometimes harsh, critical..

a magic of movie

              Ab filmo ya fiction novels ki fantasy dekh kr pya ho jata h , unke character se bhi..Film me jab payr hota h hero ko, ussi wakt  , usse k sath-sath mujhe bhi hone lagta h..And since then i starts a spcial kind of attachment with him, his struggle became mine. what he thinks, i too start thinking that only...
               Here i am not writing any review about  movie ''ek tha deewana" but still something about movie- jannie's father was looking like al pachino 6.3 ft tall, and amy jackson once look like nargis fakhri.. and in the shyness of prateik i can feel myself, he is not very handsome or having body like john abrahim, just simple guy or ye simplicity hi bha gaye ..n the musc of rehman sir with lyrics of javed akhter, what could more better than that..   is movie me sachin (prateik babbar ) k saath mujhe bhi jenni (ammy jackson) se pyar hua. sachin was also jobless engineer..like me, well i am not now , but may be very soon.. or uske emotions aise ki jb wo roya tb shyd me bhi roya tha or hansa tha , dono hi..uske kiss ko to maine bhi feel kiya tha , i too had felt my heart beat..
              Movies is some what  like a magic, but it works only when you concentration there only.usme dubna padta h, khona padta h...jb bk concentration h tb tk ap hi film k hero , ap hi lad rahe ho, apne pyar k liye sb se..
Pyar tb hota h jb dusra bhi wahi bat khne lag jaye jo phla kahta h, .pyar sikhna padta h ek dusre se.. aise hi h pyar ki paathshaala. Me ye sab movie dekhne k sath- sath ek copy me likha rha tha, aisa nhi h k me meri yaddasht itni kahrab h k me bad me likh n apta.. bt jo jadu movie k sath sath chl rha tha , wo dubara feel hona mushkil hi tha.
       "sitaaron se aage jahan aur bhi hai
        abhi ishq k imtahaan aur bhi hai"
movie ki love story dekh , khud ko bhi relate karne lga...kch chije aise h jo k mehsoos karne k liye nujhe ek ladki ban na padta , shyd nxt janam me ye bhi possible ho..
Pahle pyar ko koi bhulta h kya , aisa to nhi k movies k tarah almost hmesha hi mil jaye, jeeni ki adat dalni padti h, or ho bhi jati h aadat..
puri movie me hero k sath sath me bhi roya tha , acha hi lga ye sb..wese acha lagta agar unki love cum arrange marriage hoti..
     "having a lil teras n m smilimg also, film is over but yet its magic  is still in me"
yeah this was at the end of movie the last line i wrote..
-thanks readers..
with regards..
pradhyuman.

each hour wound

"each hour wound the last hour kills"
almost 1 hour pass, i had felt my heartbeats..
i could have count them, n sense how they were beating, ups n down..and then later.. it was normal.
but sometimes every heart beat is  giving you a wound and at the last hour is enough to kill..
but that last hour is not easy to come and we didn't reach there..

a day

so it like this that, a day u wake up u spent whole dy here ther n at end.  lil memory..
yeah, i think even very simple n normal events or time spent with friend can gv u a memory of life time..
don't u think it bhawani....how was day.
how simple it was..
n after all it is life, we color it by these memories, days..
leave this..
thought i talk about what could be difference between, single malt, and blended whiskey..
and about that blogger, (wont write her name here) but she is again n again cumin in my mind.her writing, about love  with wine. how euphoric. i just love that....
i wish i could do that..

evening

wese itna aasan nhi h samjana khud ko, abhi sham ko hi to khud se uljha tha me..agony , a moment of depprision.. i was sad, bt u knw its best to take a walk at that time..meet friends, .. abhi aadat h facebook ki , short me likne ki, grammar to saari mar gyi.., kisi din haridwar jaunga or tarpan kr dunga..is bachi hui se kam chla lunga tb tk.. wese b aadat h compromise krne ki..life h na , kuch aise hi h, ajeb si,, in dino to bahut bore bhi hone lga hu.. khair khus to phle bhi kahan rhta hi tha.. bda ajib sa chal rha h jiivan. what i call it prosaic ..khwab dekhta hu tb tk acha lgta h, bki reality me ate hi..
rhane do pta h sb ko ,..yun to koi prob  nhi h, bt khalipan to lgt ahi h, kch adhura sa, bs me to nhi ..aisa hi h jevan , 7 bar girna or sambhalna 8 bar..

first day

although i use to write, but this is first time that i am writing here..
so feeling little shyness, hesitation.. well i should write about myself , but it is tough & lengthy process ..
i have some dreams but i know i will not fulfill them , not because i a not willing, but i am afraid of them.
i afraid of happiness....