Come someday

          Come someday , i would  be found in any empty room thinking about you only,  come  swiftly like blowing wind and touch me so gently but even in that touch i would feel you, come someday like cloud  so that i can hope for you or come like rain & heal me, come some night in my half awakening  eyes so that i can dream for you , of you, come like fiction characters of most melancholic novels for whom i am yet shedding my tears, come out of the music i am listening right now so that i can see the masterpiece in reality.
         You came in dream , but the space you left was reality, I am still , for this moment, time is running world moving in its natural pace but here i am stand still , stopped for this moment. While writing you, thinking about you how could i be in this world. when i am trying to compose our own world (sorry, of my own world, you are far away in reality i am in illusion ).You may come now , i am beyond this materialistic world till i am writing this, i am in crowd  but still isolated.
             You and me contrary to each other both trying to filling our own world , you have colors to fill. i am having only black & white shades to color my life, but this is perfect blend , this is how it should be. Dont complain, i wont  work hard  for a bright future, may  be i cant or i just not willing to do so, (since its good to have some regrets of life don't need  to have all happiness of life) but i can promise , i would daily compose a new poetry for you , by those words you can adore yourself as jewel, i wont afford any Audi but will show my dreamy eyes (sometimes regretful ,as not  providing all joys of life)  where you can have happy ride, i cant assure you of worldly pleasure  but can assure you of my faith and love which would not fade, atleast that would be time immortal . I am not Gabriel Garcia Marquez  who promised his love Mercedes that right now i am nothing but but after 10 years i would world's renowned writer , no i even cant be that good in writing but   i would be renowned  for you only, what i have to do with this world.

              I am not good in many things, not practical enough to deal with world , sometimes may be found as mad or behaving like child, but i cant bother what people thinks of me. I may found in a  traffic point  resting on floor and writing some new blogs or any high altitude fly over in evening struggling for words  to compose a new poetry to heal myself through writing as its cathartic  for me but this is all i do, or only thing that i can do.

                   I assure you whenever cloud will come & bestowed their wishes by rain , i would be also found raining by words in this diary.  Come someday not like now in dreams, but come some day in reality also,i would be waiting...

                  "Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing
                     there is a field, I will ,meet you there"
              [Rumi]

New Boy in City

              It  was not that this city was new for me. I use to come here since when i was in second or third standard, every vacation we cousins gather here and spent vacations. Past days those are . But coming here for job prospectus is quite different , first job matters a lot. There are very simple things but matters a lot for the person who have this, experiences first time , like first date,  job,  marriage , motherhood etc . Though daily  happen with millions of people but still special for every individual , a life time treasure of memory for them sometime not.
               Ordinary youth's story completing graduation, unemployed , tired of sitting jobless, then someday for a try going for any big city, little struggle of life but worth. And  me, first interview that even on birthday (Giving first job interview on birthday that also a special experience) but rejected felt really bad  but found an unknown person suggesting to try for a another company and giving there's address. Again interview selected this time , that word "Congrats, you have been selected" echoed for a long , my ears were not accustomed of listening good news. was on seventh  heaven , still vividly  remember that rain .But still i left  that job  for further preparation , a risk for which i am not working hard.
               Then another dilemma came , to stay in this city or not.I couldn't  fix to any decision , what come in morning changes by noon, then in evening and night too or changes with every opinion  of friends. That fickleness of thoughts was itself kind of torment, sufficient to give excess stress.  Taking any decision is better then to suffer in dilemma and even right decision after passing time, turn into wrong one. so taking decision matters, time itself would turn them wright or wrong .I afraid of my decisions, firstly i took too much of time to take any and worst is even after taking too much time they mostly turn wrong one.
As Shakespeare's "To be or not to be" sometimes seems that poets/ writers already felt everything which we facing now or could be. Is imagination have to do with experience or not how could 'Harivansh ' wrote 'Madhushala' when he never consume alcohol , don't know. some questions shouldn't be answered , and after all i should search for good questions , may be in quest of good questions i would found  some good answers, which were veiled earlier
                  During  those days of fickleness i have nothing to do but sitting whole day in a single room , whole day with only a cell phone and  just an outing  in evening . And on name of outing that was to  observing people, breathing,thinking , viewing from a high altitude place nothing else. One evening i felt i shouldn't turn as a coward  ,  as an escapist, afraid at least this time. Afraid of loneliness or dreams but as i rise my gaze i found whole sky is mine , i am not alone here, whole night is mine with random thoughts, with some novels, a companion, my  diary  with whom i can say everything. Choose any place in city where your can talk to yourself, shed tear or laugh , observe people or introspect oneself. I have a purpose in this city (though really need to realize this). 
                     I know my decisions are weak but that can be make firm by working hard on that, have to overcome some fear, have to do some struggle for sake of survival , have to live here, conquering the fear  & to win. Ohh too much to do, this city is with me till i have confidence to dance with it and to  run together, with same swift, have to do, if i resist it would leave me. Have to love this city, before people i have to love this city , explore this.                      

Desire of that GIRL

         When two women desires for same men ,or  loves same then the heat of their fury can even  burn sun, moon fails to calm them, wind and sea also fails but they still live in them only to protect their love. They burn with every action of others , nothing could be redemptive at that time . Still there lies a sense of moral in them . A bound of possessiveness lies, there animosity tie them together , somehow making them to pray for each others survival. 
        Either its   from Khalid 's "A Thousand Splendid Suns" or movie on Italian poet "Lope De Vega" the women character were bound together in a relation of jealousy , that's start from their animosity followed by abuse , quarrel, fights   but later  leads to a relation of mutual understanding  which isn't even  called friendship,   something different  beyond these terms. That relation which which make them to  face life together , problems & survival of their love together. Like in last days of Chilean poet Pablo Neruda his wife Maltida accepted his new love. But these happens in fiction novels , art movies or rarely in some poet's life but not in ordinary people's. Like with this girl who was not able to accept a new person in his love-life,  she could die but cant accept this.
       
               She was mad , she was ; not because she took excess of sleeping pills , pesticides once or cut her vein but because of the reason she loves a person so madly that turning her mad too. yeah she was jealous but it was her right, it was her right to be envious upon the girl who  is coming in her way of love.
      From surface in her talks there lies aggressiveness, but deeper a calmness , a distress voice ,  sense of insecurity.  Even in her every  dunked  talk that pain remains , in every abuse that dejection remains. She consumes Vodka  , sometimes neet but in months and when she touch the goblet it starts mourning, her glass afraid of her because she breaks every limit of hers , she use  to say why to do ordinary , limited , when we cross limit we get something more . Poor girl you are only getting  extra pain not pleasure . But she was capable to tolerate all these torments as she was habitual of pain . women have more endurance then man, they can sacrifice everything for their love , man in his ego cant . Whenever she consumes hookah , she burn inside and stared firmly in her man 's eyes  . A gaze so pure that it hurts , i fear of that courage of her.

As
                   "Those who cant find out anything to leave for,
                   always invent something to die for"
 She tried for suicidal  attempt  but  she still alive ; she forget something , fails to realize that  when  people daily pray for your survival you cant leave us  from any such attempts. Here are some people who daily make you to alive  in their every prayer, every dream.
Whole night in between conscious and unconscious state she uttered some unclear words , but there is one person who know what she wanna say.


PS: though this blog post is not good or like usual   but its for someone 's desire . I am lucky to have such a  chance , filling colors in someone's life.

when we make people happy or any deed of us , then the smile so come on our face is worth millions.